


Colonist Survivor

by FenixPhoenix



Series: The Shepard Files [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Action, Emotional Hurt, Family, Psychological Trauma, Tragedy, Tragedy: Death of a Brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 02:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3673359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FenixPhoenix/pseuds/FenixPhoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has a beginning, Commander Jo Shepard is no different. A year after her Colony is attacked and her family killed, Shepard is ready to speak about the day that changed her life forever. She only hopes they won't see the hint of insanity that she has been unable to shed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colonist Survivor

** **

**  
**

**[ F I L E   O N E ]**

Psychological Report: Colonist Survivor

Patient: Jo Shepard

* * *

 

**Jo Shepard** sits across two solemn officials. They’re not wearing their signature white coats, but Shepard knows who they are. It’s the glint in their eye what gives them away. They don’t see her as a person but as a mystery to unravel. So far, they know little about the details of what befell her. Trauma has rendered her speechless since they'd retrieved her from the brunt remains of the Colony that used to be her home. That’s what they think, anyways. Truth is, it’s not trauma what had kept her from talking, but shame.

It doesn’t help that Alliance personnel has kept her guarded from the outside world. She'd been inside one of their bases back on earth, not daring to peer out the windows, not wishing to move forward in hopes that the past may remain frozen in a happier time. Jo Shepard knows it's a fruitless effort; an unattainable wish, yet she doesn't want to forget what happened and, as it incoherent as it sounds, she's not ready to acknowledge it either.

That's what brought these two men here. Their faces are new, but not those eyes; eyes that try to glimpse into her mind in hopes of finding what makes her tick --a _trigger_. They wouldn't call it that, of course. They call it a solution. Except Shepard knows there is no solution, there's only a trigger that if pressed prematurely would cause her to snap and plunge into the abyss of dementia. She knows it. She feels the craziness there, in a corner of her mind. A voice tempts her to step off her little ledge, but Shepard ignores it. She's been ignoring it ever since she heard the first scream, a wail of agony followed by begs of mercy.

Yet, there's another voice, one that Shepard clings to. It's the voice of her brother, demanding that she not give up, reminding her that her life cost him his and that, as such, she's not allowed to waste it. Shepard is aware of her loss and it is precisely because of it, that she cannot acknowledge it. In order to live with some semblance of normality she needs to stay strong. In order to stay strong she needs to ignore her mistake, a mistake that changed -- _ended_ her life, a mistake that cannot be repeated.

"Post dramatic stress disorder," one of the men offers with a hum.

"I would have expected her to show signs of survivor's guilt as well," the other man says, typing something into his datapad.

They talk as if she’s not there. Shepard knows she's not making their job any easier by keeping silent. The psychiatrists are trying to determine her mental state, trying to assess her emotional wounds. Shepard doesn't want to know how deep they go, she doesn't even want to look at them because if she does...

"It says here that she was found among the wreckage, beside two dead Batarian slavers, with a smoking gun in her hand and covered in blood," the second man says, reading of his datapad. “The body of her brother was there as well, bullet wound to the head, entry wound on the front.” He pauses and mumbles something under his breath before he continues off in a more audible tone, “Parents’ bodies were also found nearby, entry wounds on the back of both their heads consistent with Batarian execution style.”

The first man, blond with blue eyes, finally looks at her, acknowledging her. He nods in confirmation, probably at realizing that she's as present mentally as she's physically for the first time.

"Do you want to talk about what happened, Jo?" he asks almost gently.

He leans forward and places a hand on her arm. Jo Shepard looks at it, as if waiting for those fingers to expand and turn grey, like the coarse hands of Batarian slavers. He squeezes reassuringly. His hand feels heavy, the contact feels alien, it burns, but she doesn't retreat. Shepard knows she'd been running for far too long. She cannot fully acknowledge the tragedy, but she must accept the sacrifice. She must pay tribute to those who fought and those who died. She must disclose as much as she can of how those she loved met their end. But Shepard is also aware that she must tread carefully, that she mustn’t dive too deep and excavate too much. There are things that she cannot speak out loud for fear that the voice that asks for her company in the pit of despair would gain strength. She cannot go crazy, if only to keep her promise, to live to fight another day.

"They came fast and swift, their attack deadly. One moment their ship was on the sky, the next it was on the ground, cargo doors opened, spitting six-eyed monsters out its innards. They came prepared, armed with weapons far superior to ours. Their metal clad bodies were impenetrable to pickaxe attacks, the only weapons close at hand."

She pauses. Shepard realizes she's gripping her hands so tightly she's left marks on the back of her palms. She's trembling and feels hot, sweat coating her tingling arms. The man touching her squeezes. He knows, he can probably see her fear and uncertainty.

"Take your time," he says.

Shepard wants to pull back, to slap the hand of comfort, but she doesn't. It's time to unload part of the burden in her soul. It's time to face the world and start to move. Forward, always forward. One step back and she might fall into the pit.

"There was a lot of screaming from the south part of the colony. I was with my brother, arguing over something. I don't remember what it was. It was something stupid. We always argued about stupid things... He thought he knew better than me… He did."

Shepard gulps when her brother materializes out of thin air, as if called forth by the memory. He's standing behind the doctors, looking at her with his dark, big brown eyes. His skin is no longer toasted dark; instead it's pale and translucent. Shepard knows he's not really there. She tells herself it's a figment of her imagination, a production of her guilt. Sometimes, though, he is so vivid in detail that she wonders if his spirit has somehow attached himself to her. Rather than fright, he brings a mixture of comfort and _dis_ comfort. He's a constant reminder of her mistake, her lost of control. He’s also a perpetual challenge to become strong enough to fight, to protect, to _survive_.

"Do you see someone there?" the first doctor asks, his dark eyes momentarily leaving his datapad to study her. His sudden interest is almost palpable.

Neither doctor care to glance behind them, their eyes intent on her. They know there's no one in the room apart from the three of them. Shepard shakes her head. If she tells them about Jarek Shepard, would they take him away? It's a risk she's unwilling to take. To keep her promise she cannot be inside a mental ward, under constant guard and medication. She has to pretend he's gone and, with little left to lose, she believes she can pull it off.

"I got lost in recollection," Shepard excuses, half-shrugging and looking down.

She pulls her arms away from the blue eyed man and brushes at her face. She takes advantage of the motion to brush at the tears welling in her eyes, threatening to fall. She blames those on her dry eyes, on the tiredness prompted by restless nights.

"Do you want to continue this at another time?"

Shepard shakes her head and takes a deep breath. She pulls her hands away from her face and poses her brown eyes on the one who spoke, the doctor that tries to appear a little more sympathetic, but ends up being only a little less dethatched.

“No. I just… I need a little time to gather my thoughts,” Shepard explains.

“Try speaking about it in present tense, as if it’s happening right now,” the man instructs. “Closing your eyes might help. Just think back and tell us what’s happening.”

Shepard nods, but keeps her eyes open. The last she wants is to relive everything so vividly, she ends up sharing more than she’s prepared.

"We were -- _are_ outside when we hear them come. Jarek, my brother, he grabs my arm and pulls me along behind him. People are running aimlessly, trying to find their loved ones. I can see panic sweeping the colony like a wave after the ringing of the first shots. It starts at the back and moves forward, gaining power, leaving no one untouched. I can feel my jaw working, but I can’t get a word out. My brother seems cool under the circumstances. If he's scared, he hides it well.

"We get home in time to see our parents reaching the front door. They look relieved to find us unharmed. My brother is asking questions, but my Dad is shaking his head, ordering him up the stairs, to get the gun he keeps in the drawer of his nightstand. My Dad is like the Sheriff, but we lived in such a peaceful colony that he has the tendency of leaving his gun behind, opting to use words to break up arguments instead of brute force. Despite his position, he’s a gentle man.

"My brother comes downstairs, the gun in his hand. My mom has her arms around me and I can feel her trembling. It does little to reassure me and it falls to me to try to comfort her."

Shepard hits the table with a fist. The sound makes both Doctors jumps, makes them nervous. Shepard drops her fist onto the table again. The sound is loud and it bounces off the room, leaving an echo behind. She hears the door creak open, but the sympathetic doctor stops the guard from coming in with an open palm and a curt nod. The door closes.

"This is what I hear." She punches the table again. "They are just outside, trying to break the door. The lock holds long enough for my Dad to wrap Jarek's hand around the Carnifex and turn the safety off. 'Get your sister to the basement and stay there. Whatever you hear, whatever happens,' his hands are on Jarek's shoulders and I see his eyes welling with tears. I've never heard him speak so solemnly before, his voice commanding, rendering us silent. 'Do not come out!'

"My mom hugs me tightly and kisses my forehead. She whispers in my ear, her body ceasing to shakes as mine starts, 'Live, Jo, whatever happens... Promise me you'll make it.' I nod my head, unsure of what I'm agreeing to. Next thing I know, Jarek is dragging me away, to the back of the house. He pulls open the trapdoor below a carpet and urges me inside. I've just touched the floor when I notice he's still up there, silhouetted by the light.

"'What the hell are you doing?' I think that's what I ask, I'm not sure. I swear I saw him smile down at me, as if he cannot wait to be a hero. 'Live, Jo' he tells me and then, before I can climb back up, he pushes the door close. For a moment I stand there, unsure and frozen with horror. I hear the sound of a struggle outside, grunts and three gunshots.”

Shepard makes the sound of shooting, her hand mimicking a gun. She shoots at the sympathetic doctor three times, aiming at his head, at the spot between his eyes.

“It takes the voice of Jarek cursing to snap me out of my trance. I hurry up the stairs and try the door. I can't open it. He must have shoved something on top."

Shepard bangs her hand against the table, not as loud as before but more insistent.

"'Jarek! Open up! Lemme out!' I yell other things, I'm sure I throw some curses in there. It’s fake bravado, but I'm hoping to bid my family time. I'm vaguely aware that I don't hear my mom's sobs or my dad's grunts anymore. I think Jarek yells in order to cover the sound I'm making and I hear a smack that renders him silent. The door is pulled open and I squint against the blinding light. Coarse hands reach down and pull me out effortlessly.

"A Batarian mercenary smiles at me, his six eyes leering, his dirty teeth showing, tiny and sharp. His hand is still on my arm and he drags me to the next room, where my parents lie dead on the floor. Jarek's cheek is swollen. He's kneeling on the ground close to my dad’s body, glaring at me. I can tell he’s trying not to cry. The Batarian behind him is holding a gun to the back of his head, but his six eyes rest on me. I don't like their looks. Their eyes go up and down, as if assessing my value, but there's also a glint of lust there. I know it, I've seen it before... T-these beasts are so alien it disconcerts me to think that they can be like humans in that respect."

Shepard forces herself not to shudder at the memory and keeps from crossing her arms. She has to appear strong. Not weak. Not anymore. Never again.

"The Batarian beside me pushes me down roughly. I feel his hands on my legs, trying to get to the button of my pants. I squirm and try to kick him, I land a blow to his side that hurts me more than it does him. He’s chuckling, saliva pooling on the corner of his dropping lip. It’s as disgusting as it is frightening. He slaps me hard on the face, and I reel back, banging my head. I blink away tears and dark spots. I see my Dad's Carnifex nearby, at arm's reach. I reach for it, fingers wrapping around its butt. I tighten my grip, my finger ready on the trigger. I whirl around and, without thinking, aim it at my attacker's face. He’s so close, I cannot miss.” Shepard aims at the other doctor now, waits for him to look at her and flexes her fingers, mimicking a trigger. “BAM! I shoot him without warning, before he can back off, right between his eyes.

"He falls on top of me. He’s heavy, the metal of his armor cold against my skin. The other Batarian snarls, calls me a bitch and points his rifle at me. I bring the gun to his face and pull the trigger in one same motion... Nothing happens. I do it again and same thing. The Batarian starts to laugh, his rifle still pointed at my head. I can see the laser is on, there’s probably a red dot right in the middle of my head. The Batarian must have hit Jarek, because he's on the ground, face first, the back of his head bleeding. He isn’t moving and I fear he might be dead. The Batarian stalks towards me and I'm petrified. I struggle from underneath the dead body. My leg hits something and I notice the other Batarian's pistol underneath his body, but I don't know if I can reach it.

"Before I can even think to try, the assault rifle is pressed to my forehead. It feels hot, signaling it has been fired recently. I bring my eyes up to glare at the slaver. I want to stare him down, but I’m afraid. His smile creeps me out more than his weapon. I close my eyes and hold my breath. BAM! A single shot rings but there's no pain. I open my eyes to find Jarek wrestling the Batarian. He must have tackled him because they’re both on the floor. Jarek is losing, he’s slimmer and shorter than the damn Batarian.

“'Get the gun, Jo' he says to me, trying to throw the Batarian off of him. I try to move, but the body pinning me down is heavy. I see the Batarian eyeing me as he straddles Jarek, he’s lost his rifle, but it’s not that far away from him. Then it happens.”

Jo Shepard brings her hands up and gazes at them. She flexes her fingers almost experimentally.

“You’re biotics kicked in?” the dark eyed doctor fills in the blank, typing something in the datapad he’s yet to put down.

Shepard nods, hiding her hands below the table again. She looks up at Jarek. Her brother is looking at her, probably wondering what she’ll do. She’s reached the metaphoric crossroad, one path leads to the pretence of normality and eventually revenge; the other leads to loony town.

“Was this the first time you experienced them?” the sympathetic doctor asked.

“Yes…no.” Jo brushes her face absently, combing dark tresses away from her eyes. “I felt them before, whenever I would lose my temper, but never like this. This was… exciting and frightening. It started in my extremities, rushed to my core and back to my fingers, out through my pores. It felt like an electric current, only I felt like vomiting at the intensity, left me shaking in the aftermath.”

“It’s remarkable for someone untrained to have managed a shockwave as strong as the one you used,” the dethatched doctor said, looking her in the eye for the second time. “Did you take them both out?”

Jo Shepard takes a breath and without hesitation answers, “No.”

Shepard’s eyes jumps to the ghost standing there, shaking his head. She can see his reproach, but she ignores him. It’s for the best, that’s what she tells herself. A lie for revenge, is that not a worthy trade?

“No?” the doctor tilts his head, his tone indicating surprise and suspicion. “Perhaps you’re confu--”

“I produced –what did you call it? A shockwave?—I produced one of those, yes. I think it would have been strong enough to deal some damage, but the attack wasn’t dead on. It grazed the Batarian, pushed him away from me and Jarek but towards his gun. He grabbed it and shot my brother dead. The shockwave freed me of the dead body, so I used the opportunity to crawl towards the discarded gun. I reached it and shot the Batarian before he could attack me.”

“Your brother’s body displayed traces of biotic burns…,” the doctor insists, leaving his sentence hanging, waiting for Shepard to fill in the blanks.

Shepard’s hands ball underneath the table. She feels like gagging at her lie. “My biotic must have grazed him too, but they didn’t kill him. I’m sure of it. He was still alive after…”

“Okay, we should include that in the report,” the sympathetic doctor says after the pause stretched. “You may return to your quarters and rest. Everything will be okay, Jo. The worst has passed.”

Jo Shepard nods absently and makes her way to the door, telling herself not to leave in too much of a hurry. She doesn’t want them thinking she’s running away from them, she doesn’t want them thinking she’s relieved to have been believed. The guards outside acknowledge her as soon as she steps out. One man, the younger of them, offers a smile and asks if she’s okay. Jo nods absently, adding another lie to the list. She walks down the hall in between him and a man – _the_ man who found her. Behind her she can feel Jarek, following silently, reproaching her the lie. Shepard blinks away the tears, steeling herself for what’s to come. When she reaches her room and is left alone, she turns to Jarek.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, voice trembling.

Jarek doesn’t answer, he never talks. In his brown eyes, however, she detects the accusation. In the silence of her room, Shepard fills in the blank.

‘It was you who killed me, lil’ sister’, she believes he says.

Shepard approaches the bed and crumbles onto its hard surface. Her eyes burn with tears she dares not shed. She throws an arm across her face, hiding her eyes and the anguish in them. In the back of her lids, vivid in its detail, flashes what really happened…

 

> _Jarek throws the Batarian off balance, twisting from underneath him and gaining his feet. He rushes towards the assault rifle and retrieves it. He spins around to find himself face to face with his attacker. He smiles and points the gun at the Batarian, ready for victory. Jo Shepard tries to keep the energy building in her body from rushing out._
> 
> _“Jarek, I can’t stop it!” She tries to warn but her biotics kicks in soon after, power spilling and spiraling out of control. The energy comes alive like a serpent, sliding towards the oblivious pair. Jarek turns, his eyes wide with unbelief. Friend and foe are thrown back by the force. Shepard’s shaking and it takes her a couple of tries to gain her feet. She gazes at the scene with wide eyes, swallowing bile._
> 
> _“Jarek,” she notices he’s not moving, none of them are. Still, she checks the Batarian first, puts her fingers to his throat and finds no pulse. His armor is broken, skin charred here and there, blood seeping out through eyes and mouth._
> 
> _Jo Shepard tries to gain her feet again but they’re uncooperative. She moves towards her brother, crawling on hands and knees, grabbing the discarded gun as she’s passing it by. She rolls Jarek’s body, barely stifles a scream at what she sees. He’s burned badly, his eyes wide open, glazed and empty._
> 
> _“No… please no. Jarek! Jarek answer me! Please be alive, Jarek, please!” Shepard searches for a pulse that she knows she won’t find. “Jarek… please! You’re all I have! Please! I’m sorry, just open your eyes! Please… please… brother…”_
> 
> _Her heart is beating on her temples, her body shaking like jell-o, sobs wrecking her chest. There’s a pain there, lodged somewhere on her ribs, gripping her heart._
> 
> _There’s a loud sound coming from outside. Shepard concentrates on it, trying to find solace in something outside what used to be her home. She hears the thunder-like sound of ships sweeping in at high velocity, more than three._
> 
> _“In the name of the Alliance, surrender at once or we’ll be forced to open fire,” the announcement rings loud and clear. Shepard looks out the window, catching a couple of Batarians opening fire. Gunshots come from everywhere in response. The Batarians outside are retreating, scared of the Alliance troops._
> 
> _Shepard looks back at the scene, at the limp body in her arms. She panics. Would they believe she’s made a mistake? Would they believe she’d tried to stop that damned energy! Will they send her to trial? Find her guilty…?_
> 
> _Her eyes trail to the rifle close by. She doesn’t think too long or too much. She grabs it, and inspects it with trembling hands. She inhales deeply and moves back to where Jarek lays. She looks down at him, tears back in her eyes. His face indicates his death was painful, even if it was swift. She points the rifle at him, squeezes a tear and shoots him, vomiting right after, regretting her decision as soon as she’s made it. The kickback of the rifle hurts her shoulder but it also makes her angry._
> 
> _She gains her feet and stalks towards the dead Batarian. She’s pleased to see his skin charred raw, blood pooling underneath him._
> 
> _“It’s all your fault!” Shepard puts three bullets into his skull and then continues to squeeze._
> 
> _An alliance Soldier throws the door open soon after, probably hearing the commotion. She doesn’t notice him there until the rifle is out of bullets and he’s beside her, gently taking the gun out of her weak hands. Shepard turns to look at him. She can’t see his face, it’s half covered by his visor. Grief rises, drowning out her hate and she falls to her knees, her face twisting with pain. She vomits some more, her stomach heaving, her throat aching. The soldier kneels behind her, places a hand on her back._
> 
> _“It’s all right now. You’re safe,” he sounds genuinely concerned, which only make things worse._
> 
> _Shepard looks at him, tears brimming in her eyes, hands coated red with blood. And all she thinks is, ‘no, I’m not okay and you were fucking late.’_


End file.
